It’s 5 days before Christmas and instead of being excited with the holiday season, I am now reflecting and mopping on what happened to me in the past year.
I feel sad.
I feel down.
I feel depressed.
I actually don’t know what the reason is. Sometimes, I think I never did anything to mark on other people’s lives. I never tried to make myself known or matter. I just allowed the year to pass by without me enjoying it.
Was I too selfish?
Was I too self centered?
Was I too preoccupied with what I want instead of what really matters?
I am again thinking. And I hate it. I never really had to the to relax my mind. The whole year I I wasted a whole bucket of brain cells just about thinking of what will happened next. I worry a lot and even up to this point, when I’m writing this entry, I’m still worrying about what I did this morning to one of my colleagues.
I can’t stop thinking.
I can’t stop analyzing.
I can’t stop worrying.
The other day I was feeling good and I believed that I have an effect on others I just don’t know about. I was brought up that way. Believing that I am somebody and believing that I can be whoever I want. But I am not somebody and I am not who I want to be.
I want to be happy.
I want to be free.
I want to fly.
But I can’t. I need to slowly assess myself and pick up the pieces and try to rebuild myself again for 2012. I’ve been through a roller coaster of emotions and I need a break from it.